Hey Microsoft,

Don’t include a broken unzip program as part of windows, mmm-kay? I realize that you don’t want to piss off the company that wrote WinZip since they saved your bacon years ago when you didn’t have a built in way to expand archives, but making your borked implementation the default for zip files sucks. You ruined my holiday vacation as I tried to track down why only some windows users were having problems. Turns out, it was only the people that don’t live on their computers every day. Maybe that’s because those kind of people just want their computer to work and actually relied on you, Microsoft, to make software that, you know, works. Silly them, eh? You got your money, so what do you care?

Of course, you’ll retort that there was a problem with the zip file in question. Sure there was! That’s why it worked on Macs and Linux and even windows, as long as you used a non-broken, non-microsoft program like WinZip or WinRAR to do it. But hey, who cares about compatibility, right?

Yeah, I’ll spend my copious free time trying to figure out a workaround for your crappy software — but at the same time I’ll be recommending Apple products to anyone that asks.

Douche-bags.

Hey 100 year old lotto player,

O.K. you are old. I can sense it in the air of the very small “convienience” store that I hit every morning. See, I have a sixth sense in the form of an overwhelming blast of hopelessness, depression and….whats the word…..ah yes, fuckthisness(1), that hits me like a kick in the head and lets me know the whole day is fucked. Sort of like walking in the metrodome when the conditions are right for that blast of air. 

So, you can’t pick a better time to complete your daily lotto fix? You have to do it at 7:30 in morning when I am behind you in line and the 20 other people are behind me. Nice. That is great planning. I am just gonna assume that you gotta be back at home at 8:00 in the morning for nap time so you can be fresh for Peoples Court at 12:00?

I know you can probably think of 50 reasons why I should be greatful to you for “living through the depression” or “fighting for suffrage” or “helping defeat the british at New Orleans” but don’t bother, you probably won’t live past reason number 25. Because you are that old.

However, I have a few suggestions.

#1- That is a check out counter, not a scratch off counter. Fuck you and your little grey mess.

#2- Dude (or lady), please fill out your number card at home. Christ, you have all day. I probably won’t kill you but I can’t speak for the 20 people behind me.

#3- Stand like a normal person. What is this “ass up in the air” shit? One elbow on the counter, one knee touching the wall and your ASS way up in the air! What the fuck, is that some sort of hip thing? Do you have one old John-Deere hip and the other one is made by fucking Lockheed-Martin or something? Some sort of fucking SUPER-HIP designed by clones of Werner Von Braun, put together using Roswell wreakage and tested by fucking Chuck Yeager?

#4- What? Did you just tell me to speak up because you can’t hear me? Ahhhh Fuck it.

(1)-fuckthisness (fuk-this-nis) noun: A real word pertaining to the overwhelming feeling of fuckitidontevencareanymorethisisbullshit. 

Hey neighborhood kids playing hockey in the rink across the street from my house,

You all suck. Learn how to skate. Fuckers. 

What the lions have to say about the tiger attack in San Francisco:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXvc9OqXGD0

Hey lady who nearly backed into me on Saturday,

Nice job. Don’t worry about looking first, It’s snowing out and you’re nervous right? I mean, you’re not in Elk River anymore, this is the big city, things just move so fucking fast. I understand. Besides, I love spilling coffee on myself while gunning the vehicle I am driving through a fucking sidewalk in a snowstorm to avoid being hit. Having said that, get use to the middle fingers of strangers.

You followed me into the front door check in of the St Paul Hotel to tell me you have a five year old in the car. Wow. Holy shit, you ARE really something special! You can breed! I wish I had some sort of hug-o-gram or some shit to present to you. All I could really do is smile and ask that you not kill anybody today. By the way, the valet parking dudes said that your little drama broke up the day nicely and that they enjoyed it throughly. I think you crying was the kicker!

So, as far as your 5 year old goes, poor girl. She obviously has a tough 13 years ahead of her. I guess your husband is quite a bit smarter than you due to the fact that he saw the need to buy you that giant, SAFE, S.U.V. in hopes you don’t KILL his daughter one day.

Good luck with your life. I hope your kid makes the honor roll.

By the way, you should probably blow your husband more often.

An important message from our 32nd president.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=N-SoFdFbfZw

Hey Mike Huckabee,

You are the scariest politician I have ever known. You are like apocolyptic movie scary. I feel like Christopher Walken in “The Dead Zone”. I mean, I can hear it already, “Oh Boy, here comes the missles, best grab my bible..also, grab the grand kids so we can eat ‘em “. Man, Don’t get elected. Ever. For anything.

By the way, thanks for ruining that Mark Wahlberg movie for me, asshole.

Seasons Greetings!!

As a special thank you to everyone that’s supported us over the past year, we’d like to offer you our new album “Cum on Feel the Shortbus” as a free download!

Stop crying. It’s not that big of a deal.

Anyway, between now and midnight on Saturday, go to http://www.theskullcranes.com/redeem/upyourxmas/; you have to register before you can hug it, squeeze it, and call it George.

Those of you who have purchased the album already, THANK YOU, and remember that karma works. Those who want a physical CD, either come to a show, or send us $10 and we’ll mail you one sometime when we get around to it. Cheers!

hey there mister hindu, merry fucking xmas!
the skullcranes

I like ”Whore Du Jour” and ” Dance me Pregnant”

http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/the_worst_band_names_of_07

Hey Static Electricity,

WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!???

Christ. Whats with you this winter? Is this some kind of Mayan Calendar bullshit? Everytime I turn on a T.V. or something I am getting throttled. No shit, turning on my Playstation yesterday I created a  one inch blue arc from finger tip to ON button. Freaked my dog out and I could’nt see out of my left eye for a second! That son of a bitch had some amperage to it!

You are a DICK, static electricity.