Hey weather,

Nice touch dangling that 40 degree day above our heads and watching us all get out of the house with smiles and not clinching our assholes and hunching our shoulders up over our ears creating future back problems. It must be fun watching us all run around like a bunch of happy cocaine rats right before you slap us in the side of the head with a little 40 below wind chill.

By the way, thanks for the gas bill.  

Wanna see what the “single” of the future looks like? Here it is:

Neat, eh? Now all we need is for you, the rabid Skullcranes fan, to embed that single in as many places as you can with as much accompanying praise as you can stomach (”They’re god-like in their appreciation of all things White Trash.”). How? Well, we’ve set up 4 different tracks that you can embed into your blog, your myspace profile, your facebook page, bulletin boards, etc., etc., etc.

The Omaha Jones
Stop Signs R 4 Suckers
Anoka County
Love Theme From The Skullcranes

Simply browse to the track detail page (or use the links above) and you’ll notice the “Embed” code. Copy that code and paste away. Now you’re a freakin’ DJ, wasn’t that easy? Unfortunately, we have no payola for you. But you should feel good anyway, knowing that you’ve helped spread the white trash gospel and made the world a slightly dirtier place.

Hey musician,

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one’s a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? …
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don’t return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could’ve done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
“Will the defendant please rise …”

Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute …
the other was a guitar player as well ..

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

A musician who’s spent his entire life trying to get a record deal is feeling extremely depressed. He’s been turned down by every record company he’s ever contacted. No one seems to recognize his unique genius. So, he decides to kill himself, and comes up with an ingenious plan to get back at all the record companies who’ve rejected him all of his life. He books time at a recording studio, and instructs the sound engineer to record everything he says, and every sound he hears, and then copy it all onto 500 CDs, and send one to every record company executive on the list that he hands the engineer.

The guy walks into the vocal booth; the red light is on, and he begins….”This is a message for all you sycophantic, talentless, stupid record company assholes who’ve ignored me for all these years. I’ve dedicated my life to writing and performing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you bastards do is discard my tapes, and sign these horrible, no-talent, ridiculous, stupid bands, and these filthy, dirty rappers! Well, you bunch of fuckin’ morons; you dumb pricks, I’ve taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it’s YOU who’ve driven me to this! Goodbye you fuckin’ murderers of art!” With that, he places a gun to his head and blows his brains out.

The sound engineer looks up from the console, hits the talk-back button, and says, “Okay, that’s fine. I’ve got a good level…let’s go for one.”

Hey Johnson,

You should try remembering playing a show once.

Christ, drink MORE shots.

Fool.

Close, but no cigar. It’s okay to cry, now, because that’s what good losers do. Eli Manly-man Manning done went and only slightly cracked opened a can of whup-ass, even though every close-up camera shot of him revealed a young man terrified out of his fucking mind. But forget about him; go retire and do an occasional cameo in a movie now and then, because you were brilliant in “There’s Something About Mary”.

Seriously.

Brilliant.

Yeah, you wish you could kick yourself. You have always loved inflicting pain on yourself, you cutter. Speaking of inflicting pain on yourself, why stay at home tonight where it is warm and safe, when you can go to a free rock show at The Hexagon? Sure, its going to be 14 below zero. Sure, with the wind-chill closer to 40 below. Contrary to popular beliefs, cigarettes taste better out on the sidewalk when it is that cold. Also, beer goes down better too. It’s molecular, I ain’t making this up.

SO, SEE YA TONIGHT!!!

9:00 P.M. @THE HEXAGON***FREE

DUMPSTER JUICE****MYVALKRIE*****THE SKULLCRANES

Peace be with you, The Opening Band.

P.S. , Sorry if I offended any cutters out there with my cutter remark. What do you think of the latest Morissey record?