By the way…….IT’S FREE!!!!!!!!!

NO COVER!!!!!!!

Yeah, thats right. Free.

******HEXAGON BAR******1/19/08******FREE******9:00 P.M.

Hey jackass who needs a bag,

O.K. First of all, you totally look like a dick. True, you probably can’t help this much but, it is what it is, you look like a huge dick.

I just had an idea though. Maybe, now I’m just tossing it out there, maybe you could try to not act like a dick. Holy shit, I am smart as a whip. These ideas I come up with……….they might as well just call me “Walking Hawking”.

So, here we are again, huge line at the corner market. It takes you about 7 1/2 minutes to put your change in your pocket as your giant dick-like presence is in the way of anybody putting their goods on the counter. Then, you dick, you stare at the clerk for another minute then say “Can I have a bag please?” in a very smug fashion.

You have just purchased one pack of smokes, one can of Asshola Cola and one scratch off lotto ticket. You need a bag. Its 2 degrees out, you have 11 jackets on with a grand total of 25 pockets and you need a bag. Not only that, you expect the clerk to bag all of your items for you. I’m not sure what the clerk said underneath her breath because she can not speak good english good like I can, but, I’m pretty sure I agree with her.

Dick.

Thats right. Huge. This show is a MUST COME. A certain news entity (I’m not gonna say who, so suck it) will be there filming a bit of our show for a story on T.V. (none of that cable access shit either) about DJEDNA. If you don’t know what Djedna is that means you have not been paying attention to us, and frankly, that stings a little bit. I thought we were friends.

www.djedna.org

Q: What does this mean for The Skullcranes?

A: We are now totally huge. We don’t even know who you are anymore. No, we won’t sign that. I’m calling the cops.

Q: What does this mean for Djedna?

A: Some well deserved recognition for all the hard work Thomas has put into this. It’s about time if you ask me. Also, he’s huge too now. He isn’t signing anything either so don’t bother, or I’ll call the cops for him.

Q: What does this mean for the friends/fans of The Skullcranes?

A: It means, that when the film is rolling,  please stand in front of the stage. Is it asking too much of you to make us look cool?

So, we will see ya there. We play first, because we know you all like it better that way.

9:00 P.M.     HEXAGON BAR*MINNEAPOLIS* SATURDAY JAN. 19TH.  

also on the bill: My Valkrie and Dumpster Juice

*****show cancellation*****

March 1st @ The Club Underground has been cancelled.

How does this make you feel? Lets talk about it. Keeping it inside will only cause problems down the road. It’s out in the open now, where it should be. Let’s deal with this. Its O.K. to cry. Unless you are a dude, then we probably have to kick your ass for a being a pussy. 

Submitted by a huge skullcrane fan, Stinky Pig Woman. Enjoy. – j

Hey Gestation Barn A**hole,

Yup, I needed a little help this morning.  Even if I had a penis, I still would have needed an extra pair of hands.  It was the gilt who was stupid and stuck, not me – I was perfectly in control.  I took the f*cking crate apart, all you had to do was lift and kick her in the head – MY HERO.  Here’s an idea, you could have done it without the smirk that made me want to slap the chew out of your face.

Life lesson from the farrowing barn:  Just because I have a pussy doesn’t mean I am a pussy.  Dumb-ass.

Yours Truly,

Stinky Pig Woman

First of all, we prefer the term “effort”, thank you very much.

Secondly, It has been a month since “cum on feel the shortbus” has been taking up bandwith on the internet as well as sitting underneath the seat of your car having never been listened to.  According to our records there are roughly 600 copies of this ”effort”  in one form or the other, floating around the immediate area. So, having said that, we need to know if you like it. It’s been pretty fucking quiet over here in County Skullcrane. Say something. We have a website that is inter-active! I would be a smart ass and cut/paste from an online dictionary for you all the definition of inter-active, but then you would probably come back at me with some retort about using that SAME dictionary to learn how to fucking spell and shit and frankly, I just may be a little too fragile for that kind of verbal abuse right now.

(3)So, having said all that, forget what I said earlier. It’s not about you. Who do you think you are anyway? We are the artists. We create art for ourselves. Not for you.

See what you did? We hope you feel shitty about it. You should buy a new Skullcrane t-shirt when they come out.

If it was your choice, what would this Skullcrane t-shirt have on the front? Here ya go jack-asses. Here is your chance to be the artist.

By the way, if you hate the new Skullcrane ”effort”, refer to paragraph (3).

Hey hidden puddle of water,

You think you are pretty fucking cool huh? You, hiding underneath that thin layer of ice with a little snow on it. Just waiting for me.

Yeah, well you know what? I always say nothing yells “Dude, your day is gonna be MINT!!!!” quite like a totally wet shoe at 7:45 in the morning.

In your face.

Hey hangover,

Nice try. You give it your best everytime. It’s kind of cute in the way that soccer tries to be cool by trying real hard to be interesting.

Granted, you win a battle everyonce in a while, but, you’ll never win the war.

See ya tomorrow.

Until then, suck it.

Hey school bus driver,

Holy shit dude, how do you do it? There is no way in hell it is worth that 12 bucks an hour. I was behind a school bus at a stop light yesterday and it was like watching a fucking circus. Christ, the bus was shaking left to right from all the little pricks jumping up and down and being F.D.A.’s (Future Douche-bags of America).

How does this happen? Not to bring out the old when I was a kid bullshit but, when I was a kid we were scared as fuck of the bus drivers. They were mean and wouldn’t hesitate to threaten to take you out using your own damn luchbox! Yeah, you would walk on to the bus and there were no smiles from the driver, none of that shit, fuck no. They would just look at you with that stare that went through you like the fucking flu as if to be telepathically asking you if you feel lucky.

Yeah, holy shit. So, Mr and Mrs Busdriver, I in no way agree with you pissing in a cup and coming up positve……but I would understand. 

Hey morning news clowns,

The last thing I want to see at 6:00 in the morning is two yokels yucking it up trying to out quirky the other. Seriously, what the fuck? Uh-Oh……here comes the zany weather guy. You all make me want to puke. Puke hard too, not just a little in my mouth, full on, high volume/velocity release. I would say you are all on  E, but that is probably not true. More than likely, you are on the worst serotonin booster of all time……your over-inflated and falsely justified self-esteem. You make me sick.

This is what I need  at 6:00 in the morning.

-coffee (I’ll take care of this one.)

-time and temp.

-places where  gunmen are shooting at people so that I can avoid these places

-food recalls so I do not get sick

-maybe a nice little historical fact? Not needed though.

Pretty cut and dry. I want to see some tired jackass spill his coffee. I want to see somebody yawn. I want to see someone fuck up and say “fuck it”. I want to hear somebody say “Holy shit, traffic really sucks out there, have fun at work suckers I’m going back to bed after this!.” This would be the morning news I watch.  I would feel these people are one of us and not some micro chipped Stepford Robo-Douche.