Hey woman on plane next to me with baby on lap,

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself. What type of smoke did your parents blow up your ass when you were young to give you this un-justified self worth?

#1- Your baby is fucking ugly.

#2- Your baby smells like shit.

#3- If your baby spits on me one more time I’m gonna spit back.

#4- I had to pay 40 bucks to check an extra piece of luggage, meanwhile, your little disease carrying shit machine gets a free ride.

#5- And the stewardess gives ME the fucking stink eye!

Hey kids~

To everyone who made it out to the 400 Bar on Saturday; it was frickin’ cold (right up there with the Hexagon night), but a good bunch of you came to share the love, and we thank you. Johnson’s mustache was a big hit with ladies and gents alike; I do believe it got more applause than the debut of our new song “Jessica Lange“… Dang.

(more…)

Dateline: Minneapolis/St. Paul, Mn / Wall Street Journal

   The Uppermidwestern Trailer Punk band “The Skullcranes” have released a new marketing strategy says those close to The Skullcranes organization. “What it is,” states interm Skullcrane CFO known only as “Neck”, ” Is we put a bunch of Skullcrane shwag in a giant ziplock bag and sell it for only one fucking Hamilton!” The “dime bag” containing 3 C.D.’s (jskullcrane 2003, Wt. Trashmore 2006 and Cum On Feel The Shortbus 2007) a bumper sticker, a pin and usually some other random shit sells for ten dollars and is a brilliant yet risky marketing plan for the current economic climate states Jibby Fukitol, music columnist for Forbes magazine. ” There are two ways to look at it” says Fukitol, ” You may not like the music that much, but having a 1 gallon capacity zip lock sitting around is handy as fuck!”

The Skullcranes dime bag is available only at Skullcrane shows as marketing strategists from around the world waits cautiously to see how this pans out. To find locations of upcoming Skullcrane appearances visit www.theskullcranes.com

Hey You~

Just a quick note to let you know we’ve been thinking about you… that magic night at the Hexagon seems like eons ago…
So mayhaps we could meet for drinks Saturday at the 400 Bar? Our good friends Swampp Gass are having themselves a drummers reunion show, and yes, for a brief moment of time MJ was on the roster!

Here’s the deal:
400 Bar: 400 Cedar Ave. Minneapolis, 55454 (SW corner of Cedar/Riverside).
Sat. Feb. 9th. 2008, doors at 7PM, music starts at 8PM.
Capital Sons (open)
The Skullcranes
Swampp Gass (sometime after 9:30PM)
$5 in adv. www.400bar.com or $7 night of show. 18+, 21+ to drink.

You can check out our other dates at: http://www.theskullcranes.com/blog/the-gigs/

xoxo
–
http://www.theskullcranes.com

Hey Ryan Seacrest,

I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know where you came from, I don’t know how or who you are black-mailing and frankly, I don’t give a shit. However, I am really tired of hearing your name. What the fuck dude, take a vacation. The Superbowl? C’mon.

Ryan Seacrest does not even sound like a real name. Sounds more like a brand of douche.

Hey customer,

Listen to me closely. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that the customer is always right. That phrase happens to be one of the top five biggest fallacys of all mankind. You see, this phrase was developed in the early 20th century by a coalition of ultra-leftists and uber-utopians to help people like you feel better about yourself.  So next time you are at a chinese restaurant (by the way, thats not Chinese food, it’s shitty Americanized egg noodle dishes soaked in MSG and served to you by Asian-looking folks) and you think your egg drop soup tastes funny so you want to bitch at the poor Cambodian girl because you are some fucking Chinese food expert ( refer to earlier parenthesized fact) please remember, you are not at home.

Sincerely, The Management.