A big “suck it” to Mr. Corey Shovein with his 1st place winning entry; it provides valuable insight on “why” you should all hate The Skullcranes…

5 Things I Hate About The Skullcranes

Oh, the things I hate about 4 douche-bags that I shared toilets with puking in, sometimes with their fresh cut feces in the bottom of the bowl; in Dan’s case, cleaning his crabs off of the toilet. Dan alone is probably responsible for adding a few digits to the Wrenshall population sign. If this essay is a little hard on the “singer” in this four-beats-a-minute-blase-every-song-sounds-the-same-band; forgive me. Better yet, feel sorry for me. For it is I that had to slap the action figures out of Johnson’s hand and put a beer in it. I also took his Sesame Street record off of the turntable and infected his ears with sounds of Metal. I closed the Highlights magazines and the Redbook magazines & replaced them with Metal Edge. Sure Mike would look at the JC Penney’s catalog, but oddly enough it was always the toy section that was always stuck together, not the chicks in their panties and bra’s. I had to tear the Banana Flip out of his German mouth to save him from his own fat self. Listen to Beth a few thousand times and watch his already 10 year old hairy face well up with tears. “Crying…there’s no crying in Metal” Have you ever heard the sounds of a cow giving birth. That is the kind of wailing that fell from his cholesterol laden lips….”she won’t like me” sniffle…sniffle.. I was starting to think that he was actually starting to fall in love with “Beth” from the song he listened to the goddamn thing so often. Unfortunately this went on until he met Eda Mouthful. (Painfully, I played some sports and did some scarring gym time with Mike, and trust me there is no “mouthful” there.) You still have time to get out Eda! He said he was working on the the railroad. I think we were riding rail cars with his Walkman and a cassette that had Beth taped on it over and over. So every time you hear the song Beth think of Mike’s spoiled, fat little suburban ass crying over his fucking soul-mate, then light a candle for me in church to help me with my scarring from this song. I’m assuming his family had to move to MPLS because of some restraining order she put on him. You know why Mike likes watching Hockey so much? Because he was never good enough to play it. You know why Mike is so hairy? Because God covers up the ugly ones. You know why Mike has the guitar he has now? Because all of his other ones are in the pawn shop. You know why Mike cut his hair? Cuz now he’s too pretty. You ever seen a pair of underwear that says “rub-it”? Ask Mike. That one really fucked me up. I didn’t like being told by your mom to sit down just because I was having a great fucking time. One last thing and I’ll leave Mike alone…Ratt is still better, ass-wipe.

Dare to be a Daniel. Dan is a few years younger than me but I have always been impressed at his ability to spark up some sex with women of any age. Bring Dan over to your house when you were a kid and you had worry about your mom getting fat in 9 months carrying his love child. Got a girlfriend? Not if Dan is there. Got a gig? Who is getting drunk and laid? Guess. Smell your girlfriends perfume at band practice and she doesn’t play in the band. You know why Dan plays bass? Because he wasn’t good enough on guitar. You know why Dan is so hairy? He’ll tell you it’s because he’s God in disguise. The one thing Dan has going for him is that he is the only guy to be in all of Mike’s shit-hole bands since about 1993. Hmmmmm…I wonder? Is Dan penetrating Mike and making him his sex slave. Mike, give us a sign and we’ll try to save you from the prison pounding. Wait a minute. No we won’t, since you two have been ass raping our ears and pocket books for over 10 fucking years. You two can continue to go fuck yourselves. Maybe if your lucky Dan will let his mom watch. Always apply sanitizer after you shake Dan’s hand. Living with Dan usually meant your car would get stolen.

Mr. Jay Wahl-mart. You know this band was just fine as a 3 piece. Talk about fucking up the pay scale after a gig. How will Mike get all of his shit out of the pawn shop if he has to cut his pay with you every gig. The one thing you did add to the Skullcranes is sweat. Fucking-A man. After a gig you look like Oprah after she walked a block talking about how she’s saving the world. Fuck you and your X-man back pack. You’re probably sweating right now as you read this. You should jar that shit up and sell it as lube….to Dan. I’m surprised the name of the band isn’t the J. Skullcranes again.

MJ. Why does everyone call you MJ. Oh I know I’Ma VaJina. You know why MJ plays the drums? Because the sticks make him feel like he’s holding two dicks in his hand. You know why MJ has a goatee? Because Jay likes the way it feels on his ass cheeks when MJ is tongue mining his asshole for protein. You’re a drummer, maybe you should sing Beth to Mike.

Overall your band is a bunch of 3 season fuck-ups. Maybe you guy’s should not play the other 3 seasons and spare us all the pain. Organ in the band? What’s next a Tuba? Pretty soon you guy’s are going to start covering “Jump, Jive and Wail”. The one thing the Skullcranes will never have to worry about is releasing a Greatest Hits album. Rick Rubin couldn’t make a career in the music business for you four. There are so many more things I hate about you fags. Here is a quick list:

1. All of your fucking songs
2. That Dan is so good looking.
2. That Mike is not & you’re banking on him to be your front-man.
3. I payed for one your c.d.’s
4. You guy’s have never made a Scorpion’s man pyramid at one of your show’s
5. None of you wear leather pants.
6. You don’t sing enough about fucking and drinking.
7. Mike’s up & down weight issues.
8. Dan’s fucking hair parade.
9. I have wasted countless hours watching you shit bags play.
10. Your sound.
11. I like Sally Fields and Joey Lawrence.
12. Your wives/Girlfriends have never offered to sleep with me.
13. Not winning this stupid essay contest.

You guy’s are only a singer, bass player, drummer and another guitar player away from being a real band. Until then hang it up.

Eat a bag of dicks,
Mr. Corey Sin