Congratulations to Mr. Samuel Carey, who took 3rd Place (and won a guest list slot plus a free shot of Jameson courtesy of the band) with the following:

Five things I hate about the Skullcranes by Sam Carey

While the AWESOMENESS of the Skullcranes is truly undeniable, there’s plenty of gripes (i’ll bet five are possible). Sure they rock hard, have cool mustaches and are so very close to being mega rockstars (and once they become mega rockstars, i’m penning a 10 things i hate about the skullcranes, but mostly because i’ll be bitter about the long lines for beer at the shows and the fact i won’t be able to get backstage for the cool rock star parties)… where was I? and so that is why i should be president! I mean, these are the five things I hate about the skullcranes.

1 - A skullcranes show guarantees inclimate weather (i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s #1 on everyone’s list). What is up with that? Some ancient voodoo curse? If the skullcranes have a show it’s guaranteed there will be a tornado, or a blizzard or negative 30 degree temps or some gila monster will be waiting outside my door just waiting to chomp my leg off.

2 - No songs about Gila monsters.

Any rockband worth their weight in gear would right a tribute to one of natures largest, and most loved, reptiles. They can write a song about ugly pants from the 80s but not everyone’s favorite ginormus lizard? That’s so lame.

3 - No uniforms

remember when bands would wear matching outfits? That was so awesome. How come they don’t try to bring that back. it would really go with that whole goth-techno-folk vibe they have going.

4 - they never do a show that’s walking distance from my house!

sure i don’t live near any music venues but where’s the impromptu street jam? there’s plenty of rooftops. look what rooftop gigs did for U2 and the beatles! the fab four were barely on the charts until they played hey jude on the roof of apple studios!

5 - You are distracting me in class.

It’s bad enough I barely concentrate on the lecture with “Bein’ Cool (Math You Can’t Do)” running through my head. I login into my email and there’s an essay contest? How can I concentrate now?!?!?!?

In conclusion, i always hated writing essays, particularly about rockbands, because it’s so hard to figure out how to end the damn things. I like pie. All kinds.