Being that she’s not gracing us with her usual annual visit to the US, we decided to award Joan Coffey’s entry with an honorable mention (plus the fact that you have to show up at a gig to collect your phat loot).
Five Things I Hate About the Skullcranes.
by Joan Coffey
Aged 34 and a Half
It has been difficult to narrow down to only half of ten the myriad reasons I have to hate this band. They are detestable in so many vivid ways.
The first of the five things I hate about the Skullcranes is Dan’s constant jabbering. I wish that guy would shut up, cos it’s just too difficult listening to him bang on and on and on all the time. If only he were a little more shy, he would be so much easier to be around.
The second of the five things I hate about the Skullcranes is the smell. I think perhaps there used to be another member of the band who crawled into the back of an amp and died and was never removed. They smell of death. Not nice death. Bad minky death.
I now present you with my third reason, which is that MJ drums like a girl. Not a cool girl either, with tattoos and piercings and, dare I say it, rhythm. No, he keeps time like the girl in the special needs class at school who eats her own snot. I’ve heard hiccups keep a better beat.
The fourth reason is that for a rock’n'roll band, they sure can’t hold their liquor. Back in the summer of ‘03 I went drinking with them and the sisters from St. Cecilia’s Convent for the Infirm. The girls and I outdrank them, spanked them and then had to carry them home. Johnson puked up his own testicles. We replaced them with two Chinese dumplings and some Scotch tape, and I’m not sure he’s ever noticed.
The fifth and final reason… well, I refer you to words of Daphne and Celeste - U G L Y you don’t got no alibli, you’re ugly. You’re ugly. If I were ever to question my lifestyle choice of being queer as fuck, all I need to do is picture in my mind the collective hideous, loathsome and repellent visages of the Skullcranes. Not so much a band as a byproduct. I do like Bruce the van though. He’s cool.
