Hey 2008, guess it didn’t work out. Meet my new year, 2009. Now get your shit out of my house.

After 8 years of struggling for street credibility, The Skullcranes have completely given up. ” Fuck it, I don’t see what the big deal is.” stated Laubach, the groups’ bass player. Management representing the upper-midwest rock outfit released a press release in a Hungarian newspaper (The Skullcranes are a pretty big deal in Hungary) stating that the 8 year media blackout is over and that The Skullcranes are now open for questions. Comparing this event to the tearing down of the Berlin Wall and following disintegration of the Soviet Union and Glastnost, a Skullcrane represenative unveiled a new page on their website called “Skullcrane F.A.Q.” . “F.A.Q. stands for frequently asked questions!” said the represenative very slowly so that the Hungarian people would understand.
The “Skullcranes F.A.Q.” page is located on the right side of the bands website under “Skullcranes F.A.Q.” and is open to the public for questions and comments.

THE SKULLCRANES.

Last show for a long time. Halloween night at The Bulldog in Northeast Minneapolis.

Why should you go to this you ask?

1.Ever been to a show at The Bulldog?

2. Dumpster Juice plays after us.

3. Dan is single.

4. Johnson remembers words to songs now.

5. Number four was a lie.

6. Be the first one to hear some of the new Skullcrane songs.

7. What else are you gonna do.

8. Seriously.

9. Dan is single.

O.k.-

First of all, thanks to all of you in Oshkosh and Madison who came out to see us while and resisting the urge to throw piss soaked sneakers at us. Those of you who bought shit from us…..Double Thanks.
Oshkosh was awesome as always and I think we played well, now lets talk about Madison. Let me start out by saying sorry to Madison and the good folks at The High Noon Saloon. Please accept our apology for taking a giant shit on your stage. We are good for a real stinker every 5 or 6 shows and unfortunatley your number came up. We felt pretty bad about it that night but, I think if we talk about it and work through this with assistance from a self help audio cassette series we can get through this together,on both an emotional and spiritual level.
So other than that, we played some Tiger Woods golf on the PS2 as well as some Tekken. We had Thai food one night. Gas is much cheaper but the brakes in the van went out. Fuck.

Moving on……

FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 at the BULLDOG N.E. !!!!!!

Come early and eat. This a costume event. Don’t be too cool, just do it. It might even be free, I will double check that. We usually kick nine kinds of booty the show after we sucked really bad so you got that going for you…….

ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!

We have new t-shirts. Well, they are not really new, they are just a new color.

SEE YOU HALLOWEEN!!

Hey bands with donate buttons on your website,

Well congratulations idiots. Finally, you did something right with your “band”. Obviously, this was the idea from some party outside the band but I think we can overlook that due to the fact you all agreed to it. I think it is a great idea that we can now go to your website and click a “donate” button to give you some money for all the wonderful memories and free shit we have received from you through the years. Hopefully this added “flow” can keep all of us in new Skullcrane buttons, stickers and other shit that we always get free. Also, understanding that t-shirts are expensive and un-give-away-able, we hope that we can see a variety of “new” t-shirts for sale at future Skullcrane shows.
You guys are still a bunch of dicks though.
So, I am going to donate some hard earned money. Not alot, a few bucks. However, the way I look at it is that it makes me “part owner” of The Skullcranes and gets me a christmas card from The Skullcranes every year. It also gives me the right to have my opinion heard, requests taken seriously and urgently you fuckers. (we need a new record, play a show for free assholes, etc)

Sincerely, from myself and the other 4 or 5 fans, get bent.

Hey bands that break up only to get back together 3 months later,

Who in the fuck….do you think you are? Ohhh, it’s our last show…..come check it out…….buy our stuff……hugs and shit.

I hate to be the bringer of reality but, nobody cares. Most people were glad not to ever see your dumb faces again. You act like you guys had talent. I guess if by talent you mean stupid you are right.

We came out to your ridiculous shows in snow, rain, wind-chill warnings, black ice, Calcutta Clippers, tornado warnings, blizzard conditions and basically nights we had better shit to do.

We bought your t-shirts, your c.d.’s, we put your shitty oversized bumper stickers on our bumpers, we put your pins on our jackets only to eventual stab ourselves in the fucking sternum. We actually hated you and still do.

We read your 3rd grade reading level blogs and bulletins while wondering if we should correct this morons spalling or gremmer. Or, at least buy them that book “100 words that make you sound smarter” if only to make the reading more intellectual stimulating for us.

Some of us, on our own buck, even traveled half way across the midwest to see you stink it up in front of a whole new group of people. (by the way, we didn’t admit it to anybody, we said we were there for the drink special.)

So I guess you expect us to say “can’t wait for your first show at Club Underground opening for The Good Year Pimps September 12th show starts at 10 and we will be happy to pay the 8 bucks” or ” can’t wait to hear some more recordings so I can pay for it and then you put it up on your website for free a week later” or ” can’t wait to buy a new t-shirt but you don’t have my size so you will feed me a line of bullshit like “they run small” so this will work but it fits weird and I will never wear it. And it itches, what the fuck” or ” I have been here since 8:00 because that is what it said on myspace…..no big deal I guess” or “You guys fuck up alot, no, I mean alot, but it’s cool”.

Don’t hold your breathe Skullcranes. This time we are bringing the rubber chickens.

Hey upcoming 12 hours,

Where is everybody? I don’t know.
I’m gonna be late. How late?….hello?
Fuck we are gonna get there late. We need gas. I need food. Fuck Burger King.
Damn, they are STILL working on this stretch of 94, what the fuck.
What movie do you guys wanna put in? I’m sick of all these movies. Why did you bring D.V.D’s? This is a VHS.
Fuck, there is no sound.
Can you turn the heat UP? Damn, who’s feet reek?
I don’t see what the big deal is.
Can you turn the heat down?
Shit, put it away, that was a cop.
Dude, were you speeding and can you turn the heat up?
What exit do we take? I thought you knew. Where is the map? It’s at the space, remember? We were looking at it to see how to get there.
Man, I gotta piss.
Who’s got the lighter?
Fuck me running Chief Brown Cloud!!! That’s really foul …good one!! Roll down the window please.
Hey, turn up the heat!!
You just missed the exit.
Thanks for telling me.
We did!!
Hey you got that mapqwest thing? No.
There it is. South.
No SOUTH!!
Jesus Christ……who’s got the lighter?
Can I get one of those?
We need gas again.
Holy shit, 98 dollars.
Who’s got the lighter?

+++2 1/2 hours of pure silence+++

15 more miles.
This sucked.
Is that snow?
What hotel are we looking for?
Something with an eight or a six in the name.
I think. Or maybe it’s Park something……or something park…
There it is.
What time do we need to be at the club?
I don’t know, what’s it called again?
Where is it?
Shit, I forgot the merch.
Fuck, that IS snow.

Hey woman on plane next to me with baby on lap,

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself. What type of smoke did your parents blow up your ass when you were young to give you this un-justified self worth?

#1- Your baby is fucking ugly.

#2- Your baby smells like shit.

#3- If your baby spits on me one more time I’m gonna spit back.

#4- I had to pay 40 bucks to check an extra piece of luggage, meanwhile, your little disease carrying shit machine gets a free ride.

#5- And the stewardess gives ME the fucking stink eye!

Hey Ryan Seacrest,

I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know where you came from, I don’t know how or who you are black-mailing and frankly, I don’t give a shit. However, I am really tired of hearing your name. What the fuck dude, take a vacation. The Superbowl? C’mon.

Ryan Seacrest does not even sound like a real name. Sounds more like a brand of douche.

Hey customer,

Listen to me closely. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that the customer is always right. That phrase happens to be one of the top five biggest fallacys of all mankind. You see, this phrase was developed in the early 20th century by a coalition of ultra-leftists and uber-utopians to help people like you feel better about yourself.  So next time you are at a chinese restaurant (by the way, thats not Chinese food, it’s shitty Americanized egg noodle dishes soaked in MSG and served to you by Asian-looking folks) and you think your egg drop soup tastes funny so you want to bitch at the poor Cambodian girl because you are some fucking Chinese food expert ( refer to earlier parenthesized fact) please remember, you are not at home.

Sincerely, The Management.