Hey bands that break up only to get back together 3 months later,

Who in the fuck….do you think you are? Ohhh, it’s our last show…..come check it out…….buy our stuff……hugs and shit.

I hate to be the bringer of reality but, nobody cares. Most people were glad not to ever see your dumb faces again. You act like you guys had talent. I guess if by talent you mean stupid you are right.

We came out to your ridiculous shows in snow, rain, wind-chill warnings, black ice, Calcutta Clippers, tornado warnings, blizzard conditions and basically nights we had better shit to do.

We bought your t-shirts, your c.d.’s, we put your shitty oversized bumper stickers on our bumpers, we put your pins on our jackets only to eventual stab ourselves in the fucking sternum. We actually hated you and still do.

We read your 3rd grade reading level blogs and bulletins while wondering if we should correct this morons spalling or gremmer. Or, at least buy them that book “100 words that make you sound smarter” if only to make the reading more intellectual stimulating for us.

Some of us, on our own buck, even traveled half way across the midwest to see you stink it up in front of a whole new group of people. (by the way, we didn’t admit it to anybody, we said we were there for the drink special.)

So I guess you expect us to say “can’t wait for your first show at Club Underground opening for The Good Year Pimps September 12th show starts at 10 and we will be happy to pay the 8 bucks” or ” can’t wait to hear some more recordings so I can pay for it and then you put it up on your website for free a week later” or ” can’t wait to buy a new t-shirt but you don’t have my size so you will feed me a line of bullshit like “they run small” so this will work but it fits weird and I will never wear it. And it itches, what the fuck” or ” I have been here since 8:00 because that is what it said on myspace…..no big deal I guess” or “You guys fuck up alot, no, I mean alot, but it’s cool”.

Don’t hold your breathe Skullcranes. This time we are bringing the rubber chickens.

Hey upcoming 12 hours,

Where is everybody? I don’t know.
I’m gonna be late. How late?….hello?
Fuck we are gonna get there late. We need gas. I need food. Fuck Burger King.
Damn, they are STILL working on this stretch of 94, what the fuck.
What movie do you guys wanna put in? I’m sick of all these movies. Why did you bring D.V.D’s? This is a VHS.
Fuck, there is no sound.
Can you turn the heat UP? Damn, who’s feet reek?
I don’t see what the big deal is.
Can you turn the heat down?
Shit, put it away, that was a cop.
Dude, were you speeding and can you turn the heat up?
What exit do we take? I thought you knew. Where is the map? It’s at the space, remember? We were looking at it to see how to get there.
Man, I gotta piss.
Who’s got the lighter?
Fuck me running Chief Brown Cloud!!! That’s really foul …good one!! Roll down the window please.
Hey, turn up the heat!!
You just missed the exit.
Thanks for telling me.
We did!!
Hey you got that mapqwest thing? No.
There it is. South.
No SOUTH!!
Jesus Christ……who’s got the lighter?
Can I get one of those?
We need gas again.
Holy shit, 98 dollars.
Who’s got the lighter?

+++2 1/2 hours of pure silence+++

15 more miles.
This sucked.
Is that snow?
What hotel are we looking for?
Something with an eight or a six in the name.
I think. Or maybe it’s Park something……or something park…
There it is.
What time do we need to be at the club?
I don’t know, what’s it called again?
Where is it?
Shit, I forgot the merch.
Fuck, that IS snow.

Hey woman on plane next to me with baby on lap,

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself. What type of smoke did your parents blow up your ass when you were young to give you this un-justified self worth?

#1- Your baby is fucking ugly.

#2- Your baby smells like shit.

#3- If your baby spits on me one more time I’m gonna spit back.

#4- I had to pay 40 bucks to check an extra piece of luggage, meanwhile, your little disease carrying shit machine gets a free ride.

#5- And the stewardess gives ME the fucking stink eye!

Hey Ryan Seacrest,

I don’t know what you look like, I don’t know where you came from, I don’t know how or who you are black-mailing and frankly, I don’t give a shit. However, I am really tired of hearing your name. What the fuck dude, take a vacation. The Superbowl? C’mon.

Ryan Seacrest does not even sound like a real name. Sounds more like a brand of douche.

Hey customer,

Listen to me closely. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that the customer is always right. That phrase happens to be one of the top five biggest fallacys of all mankind. You see, this phrase was developed in the early 20th century by a coalition of ultra-leftists and uber-utopians to help people like you feel better about yourself.  So next time you are at a chinese restaurant (by the way, thats not Chinese food, it’s shitty Americanized egg noodle dishes soaked in MSG and served to you by Asian-looking folks) and you think your egg drop soup tastes funny so you want to bitch at the poor Cambodian girl because you are some fucking Chinese food expert ( refer to earlier parenthesized fact) please remember, you are not at home.

Sincerely, The Management. 

Hey weather,

Nice touch dangling that 40 degree day above our heads and watching us all get out of the house with smiles and not clinching our assholes and hunching our shoulders up over our ears creating future back problems. It must be fun watching us all run around like a bunch of happy cocaine rats right before you slap us in the side of the head with a little 40 below wind chill.

By the way, thanks for the gas bill.  

Hey musician,

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one’s a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? …
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don’t return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could’ve done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
“Will the defendant please rise …”

Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute …
the other was a guitar player as well ..

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

Hey Johnson,

You should try remembering playing a show once.

Christ, drink MORE shots.

Fool.

Close, but no cigar. It’s okay to cry, now, because that’s what good losers do. Eli Manly-man Manning done went and only slightly cracked opened a can of whup-ass, even though every close-up camera shot of him revealed a young man terrified out of his fucking mind. But forget about him; go retire and do an occasional cameo in a movie now and then, because you were brilliant in “There’s Something About Mary”.

Seriously.

Brilliant.

Hey jackass who needs a bag,

O.K. First of all, you totally look like a dick. True, you probably can’t help this much but, it is what it is, you look like a huge dick.

I just had an idea though. Maybe, now I’m just tossing it out there, maybe you could try to not act like a dick. Holy shit, I am smart as a whip. These ideas I come up with……….they might as well just call me “Walking Hawking”.

So, here we are again, huge line at the corner market. It takes you about 7 1/2 minutes to put your change in your pocket as your giant dick-like presence is in the way of anybody putting their goods on the counter. Then, you dick, you stare at the clerk for another minute then say “Can I have a bag please?” in a very smug fashion.

You have just purchased one pack of smokes, one can of Asshola Cola and one scratch off lotto ticket. You need a bag. Its 2 degrees out, you have 11 jackets on with a grand total of 25 pockets and you need a bag. Not only that, you expect the clerk to bag all of your items for you. I’m not sure what the clerk said underneath her breath because she can not speak good english good like I can, but, I’m pretty sure I agree with her.

Dick.