Hey weather,

Nice touch dangling that 40 degree day above our heads and watching us all get out of the house with smiles and not clinching our assholes and hunching our shoulders up over our ears creating future back problems. It must be fun watching us all run around like a bunch of happy cocaine rats right before you slap us in the side of the head with a little 40 below wind chill.

By the way, thanks for the gas bill.  

Hey musician,

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one’s a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? …
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don’t return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could’ve done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
“Will the defendant please rise …”

Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute …
the other was a guitar player as well ..

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

Hey Johnson,

You should try remembering playing a show once.

Christ, drink MORE shots.

Fool.

Close, but no cigar. It’s okay to cry, now, because that’s what good losers do. Eli Manly-man Manning done went and only slightly cracked opened a can of whup-ass, even though every close-up camera shot of him revealed a young man terrified out of his fucking mind. But forget about him; go retire and do an occasional cameo in a movie now and then, because you were brilliant in “There’s Something About Mary”.

Seriously.

Brilliant.

Hey jackass who needs a bag,

O.K. First of all, you totally look like a dick. True, you probably can’t help this much but, it is what it is, you look like a huge dick.

I just had an idea though. Maybe, now I’m just tossing it out there, maybe you could try to not act like a dick. Holy shit, I am smart as a whip. These ideas I come up with……….they might as well just call me “Walking Hawking”.

So, here we are again, huge line at the corner market. It takes you about 7 1/2 minutes to put your change in your pocket as your giant dick-like presence is in the way of anybody putting their goods on the counter. Then, you dick, you stare at the clerk for another minute then say “Can I have a bag please?” in a very smug fashion.

You have just purchased one pack of smokes, one can of Asshola Cola and one scratch off lotto ticket. You need a bag. Its 2 degrees out, you have 11 jackets on with a grand total of 25 pockets and you need a bag. Not only that, you expect the clerk to bag all of your items for you. I’m not sure what the clerk said underneath her breath because she can not speak good english good like I can, but, I’m pretty sure I agree with her.

Dick.

Submitted by a huge skullcrane fan, Stinky Pig Woman. Enjoy. - j

Hey Gestation Barn A**hole,

Yup, I needed a little help this morning.  Even if I had a penis, I still would have needed an extra pair of hands.  It was the gilt who was stupid and stuck, not me - I was perfectly in control.  I took the f*cking crate apart, all you had to do was lift and kick her in the head - MY HERO.  Here’s an idea, you could have done it without the smirk that made me want to slap the chew out of your face.

Life lesson from the farrowing barn:  Just because I have a pussy doesn’t mean I am a pussy.  Dumb-ass.

Yours Truly,

Stinky Pig Woman

Hey hidden puddle of water,

You think you are pretty fucking cool huh? You, hiding underneath that thin layer of ice with a little snow on it. Just waiting for me.

Yeah, well you know what? I always say nothing yells “Dude, your day is gonna be MINT!!!!” quite like a totally wet shoe at 7:45 in the morning.

In your face.

Hey hangover,

Nice try. You give it your best everytime. It’s kind of cute in the way that soccer tries to be cool by trying real hard to be interesting.

Granted, you win a battle everyonce in a while, but, you’ll never win the war.

See ya tomorrow.

Until then, suck it.

Hey school bus driver,

Holy shit dude, how do you do it? There is no way in hell it is worth that 12 bucks an hour. I was behind a school bus at a stop light yesterday and it was like watching a fucking circus. Christ, the bus was shaking left to right from all the little pricks jumping up and down and being F.D.A.’s (Future Douche-bags of America).

How does this happen? Not to bring out the old when I was a kid bullshit but, when I was a kid we were scared as fuck of the bus drivers. They were mean and wouldn’t hesitate to threaten to take you out using your own damn luchbox! Yeah, you would walk on to the bus and there were no smiles from the driver, none of that shit, fuck no. They would just look at you with that stare that went through you like the fucking flu as if to be telepathically asking you if you feel lucky.

Yeah, holy shit. So, Mr and Mrs Busdriver, I in no way agree with you pissing in a cup and coming up positve……but I would understand. 

Hey morning news clowns,

The last thing I want to see at 6:00 in the morning is two yokels yucking it up trying to out quirky the other. Seriously, what the fuck? Uh-Oh……here comes the zany weather guy. You all make me want to puke. Puke hard too, not just a little in my mouth, full on, high volume/velocity release. I would say you are all on  E, but that is probably not true. More than likely, you are on the worst serotonin booster of all time……your over-inflated and falsely justified self-esteem. You make me sick.

This is what I need  at 6:00 in the morning.

-coffee (I’ll take care of this one.)

-time and temp.

-places where  gunmen are shooting at people so that I can avoid these places

-food recalls so I do not get sick

-maybe a nice little historical fact? Not needed though.

Pretty cut and dry. I want to see some tired jackass spill his coffee. I want to see somebody yawn. I want to see someone fuck up and say “fuck it”. I want to hear somebody say “Holy shit, traffic really sucks out there, have fun at work suckers I’m going back to bed after this!.” This would be the morning news I watch.  I would feel these people are one of us and not some micro chipped Stepford Robo-Douche.